Full Careers - Can an unwilling spouse change in a positive way?

Can an unwilling spouse change in a positive way?

Spouse does not think counseling will work, or does not believe in it, and does not want to work. But she is willing to go to counseling. Will she change her attitude and be open? She wants to know how she can fall in love again once fallen out of love. What do we need to do, even if she puts in 5% and I put in 95%? She needs to see that I love and care about her, and the family is no 1. She is being very self centered right now, and thinks that her suffering, as well me and the kids suffering is ok just because she does not think our relationship will improve and I can change my personality (habits, priorities, kids time, family time, etc.) She thinks I am always career oriented, traveled for work, and will not be able to change at 42. What do you think? Is she being rationale? (She recently has a traumatic event on 12/26 where a family of 5 were killed.. she is not friends but she knows them from church). Help with your thinking please. For this comment: "It will take a lot of open communication and listening on both sides. Be patient. Try rekindling the romance. You can't make someone fall back in love with you if they are unwilling." I am opening up my emotional connection, and try to listen. She really does not have much, but wants to hear what I want to say. I cannot rekindle anything, but prove to her by actions that I love her, care about her and means so much to her. I cannot force anyone to fall in love, but I can show my actions and how they change the things I missed out before to show I love and care and I am doing anything to prove it. I am putting the family and my wife first in my changing habits because family happiness makes me happy. I have never done anything to hurt, but I have failed and disappointed her by not reading her emotional needs and responding in kind. Guys here who are natural at it? I am so confused, and feeling helpless. She is hurting so bad too. We both have lost 12-14 ls in 4days!

Public Comments

DIDN'T YOU ASK THIS ALREADY???? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhZrQoqCgERUB5HIOe4aHnDB7BR.;_ylv=3?qid=20080108184111AA3U0JS
sorry to break it to you but it's not going to work unless she is a gung-ho as you are.
No. The person has to be willing to work at changing. Counseling might help but without her willing to be open it is very slim.
if she is going to counselling with you then it means she is prepared to make an effort to make the marriage work so it might change her attitude so she will be open...SB
It will take a lot of open communication and listening on both sides. Be patient. Try rekindling the romance. You can't make someone fall back in love with you if they are unwilling.
Encourage the counseling, but more than anything actions speak louder than any words you can say in a counseling session. More than likely she is not getting what she needs from you. If you think about it you will realize she has been telling you that for a while. Figure out what she needs and even if it makes no sense to you give it to her. Is she a person that likes to receive gifts or flowers. If so, do it....not just once but again and again and again....not just now but later....does she ask for your help at home with dinner or laundry? Do it not just for now but for life. You will be amazed at how far this logic will go. Ask her for some time to prove that you will change. Remember, change is not easy so be prepared but people change and so do their needs. I personally think this is why marriages do not last....we have to roll with it and even do things that we said we would never do or that do not make one bit of sense to us. We do them for the person we love. Good Luck!
You already answered your question in the question itself: "unwilling spouse". She is not willing to work on it, it seems by what you described. Well by then you said she is willing to go to counseling although she doesn't believe it's going to do any good for you guys. I don't really know you well to opinionate but seems that *maybe* you have neglected her in some way. You said you travel and dedicate yourself for your work a lot, so she probably felt left out. These things weigh down with time. Like I said I'm roughly analizying what you described, trying to read between the lines. I think this traumatic event just recently had little to do with her attitude. Something that has been creeping on her for a long time, maybe she even gave you signs and talked to you, but you didn't see/hear. Please don't feel judged by my words. I believe that you too must make changes, maybe dedicate more time to your family, maybe that's what's missing. Quality time. I went through a similar situation with my husband, I thought it would be all over but he finally paid attention to my feelings and needs (emotionally especially) and we have been much better since then. I hope you both find the way to communicate (very important element) and that you settle for good.
You made a statement above .. which is .. " She wants to know how she can fall in love again once fallen out of love". It sounds like that is her problem ... she is not "in love" any more. She probably knows that you care about her, and that you love her .. but you are not the problem, "she" is the problem. She probably feels that there is no hope for counseling because she knows her real feelings in side of her .. and she knows they are not apt to change ,,, and that is the reason she asks the question >>> " how she can fall in love again once fallen out of love". She knows that she needs to fall back in love again. She just is not caring - and it comes natural to her. For her to change - she has to want to change. OR - by some miraculous occurance, something could take place that might touch her heart & mind in a giagantic way which would make her have a change of heart. Pray for this. When a woman falls out of love - then all things seem pretty hopeless. A person cannot make themselves love someone. AND .. they cannot make themselves STOP loving someone. A person can love another person - but not be "in-love" with them. You say above ... "Spouse does not think counseling will work, or does not believe in it, and does not want to work" .. this is due to her being not in love any more. Since you DO want it to work ... give it your all. When you try - you will always know that you did try to make it work/ If it does not work out, and you have to walk away ... one day, she may miss this special love that you have for her, and she may miss her family. Right now - it sounds pretty evident that she may not be in the mode to be forced to do anything for reconcialtion, counseling, etc. Putting pressure on her could push her further away. Ask her what she wants to do about it. Let HER tell you what SHE wants ... and listen to every word she tells you ... really, really listen to her. Honor her choices. She is being self centered because she is not doing her own agenda right now. She is having to try things which she cares nothing about doing. Ask her what she needs, what she wants .. and don't try to force her to do things she does not want to do. I know you are desperate to have her, and for things to work out with her .. but sometimes you really do have to set something free, to get it to come back to you. You want her to be with you of free will because she wants you .. and you need her to be in-love with you again. That love may be still there .. it just sounds like it is suppressed by something else right now. If it is true love, it will surface all by it's self one day .. it will surprise even her.
as the bible says all things are possible when it comes to god .this is just gods word.you both are hurting,and are of need of love ,and compassion from one another.try taking her hand go into your bedroom alone.drop to your knees,and pray.say together"god we come to you as one. you said were two or more are gathered in my name sake i shall be in the MIT's of them.here we are as one god. we ask you to heal our marriage and our hearts."make us love again as you would have us love. by doing so we are healed.by your promise we believe this to be so in Jesus name amen!!!
I think you've won half the battle in getting her to go to counseling. That's atleast giving you a ray of hope that she wants to make a change of some sort. Making a half-assed effort is better than not making one at all. Maybe little by little they will be able to break down the walls and get you guys reconnected again. Good luck!
set her free, play her game, distance yourself, don't beg her to love u if she don't. why blame yourself, its her who is the problem. if she doesn't want it to work theres not too much u can do but accept it and set her free, once free she may see things differently and find out she did love u. could she be seeing someone else?
Since you said unwilling, no he cannot change.