Full Careers

Is this something we have to work through, or is it a sign of worse things to come?

My boyfriend seems to have it all: Brains, personality, and looks. But, during our year and a half long relationship, I discovered that while he is persuing a career, he does not plan on finding happiness, growth, maturity, or openness. He's very career focused, almost to the point of centering his life around it, which says that he has many excellent traits. But, he seems to have no desire for the whole "life fulfillment" thing. I could understand being soley career focused during this time in his life, when he is making the tough decision between a career or grad school... But, somehow it doesn't seem fair that he does not value things we're suppose to experience in a relationship such as growing, maturing, learning, exploring, or being happy......Yet he still wants to be with me. Should I stick around so that we can work through [another] rough patch in our relationship...Or should I stop wasting my time with this Type A. :\ I've tried talking to him about this, and have done it in a million different ways. I've been bringing it up for months. He feels that there is no problem, and nothing needs to change. I wish I could say he wants to work so he can provide a great life for himself and a partner, but the truth of the matter is that he does not plan to have a partner and never has [not even now]. His plans only include himself in a gorgeous apartment with a basset hound. He'll stay with someone he cares for if the oppertunity arises, but he soley wants to succeed b/c success gives him confidence and material items. He's a little materialistic....He truely does not care about happiness. I suspect he is depressed, but he's unwilling to seek a therapist. & unfortuantly, he believes the most wonderful moments of his life will be on vacation and at work........

Public Comments

1. sit down and talk your issues to him.... not in an accusing and condemning way (guys hate that) but in a way that you make him see that you want this to work out... what you both have together.... make him know that he doesn't seem to be into the relationship and that although you love him.... you need him too....
2. stay with him. just think: few men are actually like him. it's rare to find guys who are so career-driven and who wants to succeed in everything they do. men like this wants to be successful so they can live life perfectly with their loved ones. he still wants you because he wants you to be there when he succeed. he wants you to be there on one of the most wonderful moments of his life. you're that special to him although he doesn't really show it.
3. The reason that you have this challennge in your relationship is that he has different values to you..... He values career and success and you value more growth, learning and being happy. Your values determine where you focus your attention and energy, your boyfriend therefore will be directing his focus on different things to you. I believe in this situation that you may find ultimately that having different values will mean that you both will be focusing on different things in life including the relationship. As far as it not seeming "fair".....if you feel that you both have very different ideas about what's important in a relationship then i believe that you may have your answer. You can't "make" someone value something you do, because just as much as you think your values are right and important so does he. From personal experience, professional advice aside, i think you will continue to have issues with this. If he doesn't see a problem at all and you do then maybe your heart is telling you something. One thing you can do is make a set of Relationship Values that you both decide are important and have those common values for the relationship however you BOTH need to agree to it and work it out. If you find that he won't then maybe you're both on different paths and you need to find someone who has the same type of values as you. Chi Chi x.