Full Careers - Married for three years but so far no sex?

Married for three years but so far no sex?

Hi ammas, I have a strange problem that I am not comfortable with discussing with any close friends and hence thought to get your valuable advices in this forum. We got married about 3 years back, but do not have a successful sex life yet. Other than that, we both love each other very much and have no issues except for rare quarrels that I think are common to any relationship. Coming to the issue, we both come from traditional Indian families, but never had proper idea about sex earlier. One of my friends explained about it briefly during college and after my marriage is settled (it was arranged), I tried getting information from Internet couple of times which didn't help much. To clarify, we never thought it is wrong etc., We just didnt know the exact procedure. Even my husband's knowledge seemed limited and we did not have a successful first night. Then, I was very scared about pain and did not co-operate much which he was very understanding about and we took it very slow. however, we used to enjoy foreplay. after about 2 months or so, once my husband complained that I do not do anything at all but enjoy etc., etc., that hurt me very much. I dont say women should be silent but i was just married and it was a big transition for a traditional girl to know and do things at once. Anyways, for a long time, it was somewhere in the mind. It took a while to get over my fears about pain also (not completely though). But, I should say we both were career oriented and our frequency was very less. So this was almost after an year. Then, we had issues where sometimes he wont be able to do it. Though I was patient, i remember once when i showed off my impatience on him that i shouldnt have as it can affect more. actually may be i was reason too as i sometimes shouted him during quarrels (he is very soft spoken and cant see someone hurt.) ..and i have a better career..Some days when we thought it is almost successful, it is never released inside vagina even after an hour. it takes almost an hour. He consulted physician sometime back who told he has no issues. Now my problem is it is almost3 years now andthere is a lot of pressure from parents for children etc., they are thinking we are not planning. we never had successful ending atleast once so how can egg fertilizaion happen? I have other problems that my periods are irregular due to which i think we need more time to try and consume, but problem is we are not even participating in form of sex necessary to reproduce. I have some questions that i cant ask anyone else: - i am very curious to know how is it usually in other Indian married couples. do both of them have complete knowledge before? does guy take care of everything initially? - our frequency was always less (initially, once in a month..now once in 2-3 months if we are busy always working ] how come other couples say twice in a week etc., though they are busy ..is something missing in our relationship..i sometimes feel my husband has low drive as even initially he was not approaching often..or he is very good person that he did not want to disturb me during my job search and my fear of pain etc., and then it continued with our demanding careers.. - we never had successful phase of sex life that worries me.. - we both hug each other while sleeping whole night..can this be reason for not so motivated to touch each other..dont other couples hold each other often? - if someone else is in the house (guest (friend) in a 2 bedroom apt) we never think of doing it (happened for 5 months when we never tried)..can others do it? - we lost our important initial phaseof marriage.we may not have so much attraction again..so can our frequency get any better now? i want to wait for few more months before we see therapist..but i am hoping this query would relieve me and would help me in getting some valuable advices. can you also help me with answers to above questions that i am curious about. Thank you very much in advance.

Public Comments

Good god. That must've taken you half the morning to type. Again, I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT NOT HAVING SEX WITH MY IMAGINARY HUSBAND.
go to ann summers
You said your husband is mild mannered and doesn't like pain...he is afraid he is going to hurt you I think...after all of this time it shouldn't hurt you any more. Tell him this, that it doesn't hurt and tell him that you like it and want him. Do you guys sleep in the same bed? Play with him manually, get him excited that way....then tell him how much you love him and take it from there....this problem should soon be a thing of the past.
YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 3 YEARS AND NO SEX? THEN WHY DID YOU MARRY?!!!!!!!!!! come on forget stress you made it more complecated to understand love
Dont worri bout it jus be normal let go the life as its going.... find a guy for fun who can fill your life wid love and u can also make love to that guy if u find him trust worthy......caus sex is needed in life in anyways and life is hell without sex dont take me wrong but its true that sex si the only thing u r missing in your life.......isnt it ???/ if you need any more help jus mail me to gerry_71@rediff.com
Spice things up a bit. It is so much fun to get to know each other physically. Experiment and discover each others bodies. Even if you both did not know what you were doing in the start things should get easier and easier each time you try. Just be open and honest with each other.
there are therapists who have training to help you. You need some education and some therapy to lessen the fear. Also, the man may have potency issues. Get a referal for sex counseling from a dr.
You seem to be an intelligent and articulate person. Get thee to a therapist immediately. Stop wasting your life. I understand there are cultural differences here, perhaps you could see a therapist who understands your culture. Don't waste anymore time. Life is not a dress rehearsal!!
your question is tooooooooooo longggggggggggggg to answer
Put your left leg at 10 o'clock and your right at 2 o'clock and he'll take it from there. Jeeeez, I am amazed at some of the twisted religious and cultural practices that people subject themselves to.
It sounds to me as though you and your husband...regardless of your culture...have a problem with communication. If your marriage was arranged...I would venture to guess that you didn't have a lot of time to build up to knowing one another, having passion grow between the two of you. Based on what you're stating here...it seems to me that he's feeling rejected and you're also feeling rejected, which can not be stimulating or a turn on for either one of you. It's only human nauture that if you don't feel that your spouse wants you, desires you...you're inclined to believe that you're undesirable and you revert/hide. It may be a good thing for you to visit a therapist and do so now vs later. It sounds as though it wouldn't hurt to have a third party that will hopefully bridge the communication gap that I feel may be the root of the problem. And if it's not...hopefully a professional therapist can find the exact problem and assist you from there. Good luck!
Sex is sometimes painful at first but shouldn't be after awhile, Are you two sure you are in love. marriage is work and sex is a big part of marriage. You know the old saying use it or loose it. Try initiating it with him and if that isn't working ask him point blank are you in love with me? Do you want to have sex with me? I wouldn't hold off the therapy you need it right now! Family may pressure but it is up to you two when you want kids. I realize an Indian marriage has it's values and I know you respect your elders ideas about how things should be,what about talking to your Native elder Lady's.There shouldn't be any big expectations,if in love it usually comes natural and you are not expected to know everything there is to know right away. Are you afraid to speak to your own husband about all this? If so you definitely should seek out a therapist either in or out of the tribe but in would be better if you want to stick to the native ways and cultures.
I would not wait to seek a therapist. Sexual problems can be deep-seated, last a very long time & are almost impossible to unravel on our own. You really need a patient & kind therapist who can explain things since you got no education & help you and your husband deal with the fears and issues that have arisen from this situation. Waiting & trying longer to no success is just going to compound your problems, expecially since you are both under pressure from in-laws who don't seem to understand that they have helped (and are, at this moment helping) to contribute to your problems.. Good luck, I feel for you...
Sounds like you are somewhat dealing with the same problem Charolette on "Sex and the City" was having. But since its not a physical problem then Im sure you could fix the problem. I think you might first have to step outside of your comfort zone and be open to new ideas. Maybe you could watch porn togeather and copy what they are doing. I know they have instructional videos on how to have better sex on the market. I would also stop thinking about having kids so much. Have fun exploring each others bodies.
Honey I am going to try to give you some tips straight off the top of my head. First of all I feel that you need to try to not tell him it hurts ever. You will get to the point where it won't. If it hurts every time, then you do need to go see your doctor. Maybe you can talk to a female doctor better. Try this though... Go to the store and buy a very pretty, sexy night gown and come home and put it on, with no undergarments on though. Put your big bath robe on over it and wrap yourself up, so that he thinks you have on pajamas instead of being sexy. Remember this is your husband forever, so do not be shy. Then go up and start pationately kissing him for about 3-5 minutes, carress his body while you kiss, and start undressing him. As you get his pants down, then push him on the bed or in the floor, and see if he has an irrection by running your hand across that body part. If he does then you take control and get on top of him and you be the leader for intercourse. Since you have said it hurts then you may want to buy some KY jelly from the pharmacy and already have it on your vaginal parts, then lay him down and make mad and pasionate love to him. Do not stop until he has left his sperm in you. Make sure you end your love making with the same kissing and tell him how good he is, how much you miss his intamacy, and how you can not wait until next time and most of all, tell him you love him! . If it takes you being the first to always start the process then so be it as long as you can possibly get him into the swing of being comfortable and this will also assure him that it is not hurting you. Explore all of him and yourself! There is nothing wrong with this. Again, he is your husband. Just so you know, some men does take a long time before they ejaculate. So if it takes an hour, be happy cause some men can only last 30 seconds. You need to enjoy too. This is how we are created by love making. You are together as one accord. I hope you do make babies. Even if you don't you still need to have intertcourse at least 1 time a week and most men want it more often. I find it rare that your husband doesn't try to get you in bed more often. Spice up your sex life. Meet him at the door with no clothes on. Take him parking out in the country where there is no traffic. Flash him your boob every once in a while. Bend over in front of him and pick up something off of the floor with no under pants on. he will catch on sooner or later. Lick him starting at his lips and go all the way down to his feet. Forget the tight working schedules. Everyone has to make time to make love. You may even sleep better and when you wake you will feel more rested even if it caused you to stay up past your bedtime. You will find more happiness in your relationship than you have ever had before. This will be like a whole new start... I am not trying to be dirty, I am trying to give you a few examples in detail as to how you can make love to your man and honey I promise that unless something is wrong with him that he will come back on to you. This should even be fun. Again remember there is nothing wrong with making love. You have to make love to make happiness and babies, so have fun !!!!!